Monday, December 12, 2011

Keeping My Eyes Open


The goal that I had my eyes on for over a year has now been reached.  Since I began this journey, I knew that losing 100 pounds was my first huge goal.  I have been focused on it and the weight aspect the whole time.  As the number approached, I became more and more freaked out about it.  Would I get there by the date I had set?  What would I do after I got there?  If the first 100 was this hard, how hard was the second 100 going to be?  If you know anything about me, you know that when I become freaked out about something parts of my heart and mind shut down and become numb to protect myself from pain.  You would think this would make you feel better or safer but that is not the case.  God did not create us to run from pain or numb ourselves to it but instead to keep walking through it, leaning on Christ every step of the way.  I don’t do this well the majority of the time.
                I have actually been struggling with this the entire journey, but as the pressure turned up the harder it got to not go numb.  This has been a big issue in the gym.  As I have watched weight fall off me and I have begun to be able to do things I never dreamed I would be able to do, I have not taken pleasure in these successes.  Yes, every once in awhile I would feel pride that I accomplished something or people would tell me how amazing something was but it never felt real.  I told Meredith that it was like watching someone else do all of that stuff.  It wasn’t me.  It was some other girl.  I never felt in the moment and honestly, that stinks.  When you feel every bit of the physical pain and you feel the pain of missing family events or time with friends, you better believe you want to feel the pride, excitement, and happiness from success.  So how do you do that?  How do you live in the moment and not shut your heart down?  This is the challenge I have moved onto now.  It is not one of running more miles, lifting more weights, or eating more proteins and less carbs.  It is a matter of healing past hurts, of trusting God with those hurts and those moments that led to this present, it is a matter of trusting myself to succeed and not fail.  This maybe the hardest challenge yet.
                As I have considered these questions and talked about them with Meredith, we have not come to an answer but that does not mean you stop working in the mean time.  I am continually asking God for direction and steps to take.  Last week, I was listening to my Needtobreathe “Reckoning” CD for the millionth time and a song that I have heard a lot spoke fresh to me.  It is “Keep Your Eyes Open” and here are the lyrics (Emphasis Mine):
“If you could soldier on
Headstrong into the storm
I’ll be here waiting on the other side
Don’t look back
The road is long
The first days of the war are gone
Take back your former throne and turn the tide

Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You’ll never make it to the great unknown till you
Keep your eyes open, my love
So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love

Just past the circumstance
The first light, a second chance
No child could ever dance the way you do, oh
Tear down the prison walls
Don’t start the curtain call
Your chains will never fall until you do

Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You’ll never make it to the great unknown till you
Keep your eyes open, my love
So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I’ll never let you fall apart if you
Keep your eyes open, my love

Open up
Open up
Open up your eyes
The weight is unbroken
Open up
Open up
Open up your eyes
Keep your eyes open

Don’t let the night become the day
Don’t take the darkness to the grave
I know pain is just a place
The will has been broken
Don’t let the fear become the hate
Don’t take the sadness to the grave
I know the fight is on the way
When the sides have been chosen

Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You’ll never make it to the great unknown
Open up your eyes
Keep your eyes open
So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love
So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I’ll never let you fall apart if you
Keep your eyes open, my love

Keep your eyes (Keep your eyes open)”
There was so much in this song that spoke to me.  I could hear Jesus whispering to my spirit that He was right there.  Not only waiting on the other side but walking along side me.  He has given me a year of victories to look at when I feel weak or like a failure.  I have a year of the war over and yes, the sides have been chosen.  I am on the winning side.  There is no turning back now!  This was all reflective and looking back but He gave me words for the future too and these are the ones that have become what I shout in my mind during the times of attack and doubt.
                I am scared.  I am not afraid to admit it.  Everything that I have ever wanted seems to be getting closer by the day and every pound or inch I lose seems to be throwing me forward towards a future that I so desire but that I am not sure if I am ready for.  Am I emotionally prepared to date and marry?  Am I ready to have only myself to depend on?  Who is this person that I am becoming and will people still like her?  I am scared of becoming just as addicted to exercise and nutrition as I was to food.  After all, not all addictions are to inherently evil things.  Give me more time and I could come up with more things that I am scared of.  However, this song reminded me if I do not let go then I am going to miss it.  If I don’t let go of the fear, of the control, of the doubt then I am going to miss or delay what God has for me.  I don’t want to miss the great unknown because it is there that God is calling me. I have to keep my eyes open and my heart open and alert.  It cannot be numb.  I promise to keep my eyes open and God promises to not let me fall apart.
Part of letting go is learning to do this fitness journey alone and trusting myself to succeed.  Now hear me that I know I am not truly alone because I not only have my Abba Father but I also have a duo of women who God has blessed me with that are right there next to me.  However, right now I am not training and I don’t have someone to push me harder and farther than I know to go.  I have to find that within myself.   As a people pleasing, background, and soft spoken person I don’t find fire easy to come by.  So the line, “Show me your fire, show me your heart,” has become my constant reminder.  It is what I say when I don’t feel intense or purposeful.  I wish I had it on a bracelet.  It is what I have promised myself and what I promise those who are pushing me.  I will show you my fire and you already see my heart. 
One of the reasons I decided to do this blog is that I am slowly learning that God uses things I say and do in ways that I just don’t understand.  But then again, his thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways are not my ways.  I don’t know if anyone else has walked where I am walking right now and can offer me advice or if someone is just starting the journey that I have already started and needs someone to talk to.  Whatever it is, God has a plan and purpose.  I am confident in one thing and it is this, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6  Keep walking my friends!

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