tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31417512108420332952024-03-05T06:41:17.094-05:00Sitting, Standing, Walking, Spinning, Running GirlHannah Woodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17479059084506135105noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141751210842033295.post-50848546643361170702014-01-01T22:43:00.000-05:002014-01-01T22:43:04.405-05:00A New Year, A New Hope<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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The first day of a new year usually
leads one to reflect on the past year and to look forward to the coming
year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am no different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What leads me to want to share this to anyone
is beyond me but sometimes the desire to write is overpowering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I find myself on this first day of 2014 in
some places that I am year after year and some places I have never been
before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe you are in one of these
places with me or maybe you have already left the place where I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I do know that God uses each one of our lives and circumstances to not
just change ourselves but to reach others as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is not one thing that I can either look
back on or look forward to that happens without God’s permission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is not one thing that I can claim as my
success but instead it is due to Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
am nothing but a vessel that has been put on this earth to bring glory to the
most high God.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
The past year for me is unlike any
I have ever experienced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My year began
like everyone else’s in January with a return to work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unlike others, I had been on a medical leave
of absence for the last part of the semester.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now is not the time for me to share details on that but needless to say
returning to a place of work where things you had hoped and desired to remain
private had instead been disclosed is not an easy thing to face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a deeply reflective and analytical person
I couldn’t help but wonder who knew what and who had said what and wonder how
it would affect my standing as a first year teacher in a school where I was
known as both former student and friend as well as a new colleague.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was nervous about being able to once again
handle the same stress that had so significantly contributed to my medical
issues in the previous semester.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
an incredibly difficult semester for me that I fought through every day to not
only survive but to give my students the education they deserved from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it is just me or maybe it is many of
us, but I only have so much mental and emotional energy that I can expend every
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of my fight was going to my
job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no energy to fight any other
battles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So while my heart and mind
clung to doing my job and doing it well, the attention to what had been my
focus for the previous few years slipped away.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Those of you that know my past know
that I have been a morbidly obese person for the majority of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Previously, I had lost 120 pounds and was
only 50 pounds away from my goal weight and possible skin removal surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, life brings twists and turns we can
never see coming and things change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
November of 2012 I weighed my lowest of 218 pounds and yet I was not happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As my life began to change and my energy
began to be shifted to other areas of life I lost the desire, the energy, the
fight, and sometimes even the desire to continue my fight to be healthy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Slowly but surely I began to exhibit some new
tendencies that were not present before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I became addicted to sugar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not
just eating a bag of M & Ms but instead in a single day eating a Sonic
blast, a piece of cake, a pint of ice cream, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that is on top of the “normal” food I was
eating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It also became a “hidden”
habit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one saw me eat this food as I
ate in my car or hidden in my room at night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had become lost in an addiction that I never saw coming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
You may say how did you not see
that coming, had you ever looked at yourself?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I weighed 218 pounds I thought I would never be fat again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt sure that this particular demon had
been pretty well beaten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
incorrect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So now I sit in January of
2014 weighing more than I did when I first started this journey several years
ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know the exact number but I
know it is one of my heaviest numbers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have gained over 100 pounds in a year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The same 100 pounds it took me more than a year to lose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But guess what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I find myself content.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
No, I am not content with my
weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not content that I will
once again have to fight this monster on my back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But God has done something in my heart that
is completely new and wonderful and ever-changing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been in counseling off and on for
years now but in July at the urging of my best friend I began seeing a new
counselor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This woman has become an
unbelievable blessing and through her counseling, teaching, and encouraging I
have begun to unwind the knot that was my soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Everything was tied together and one thing (my weight) pulled everything
else out of whack (relationships, faith, job, health, etc.).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t always my weight that threw
everything out of control but it was always something and so if I found myself
in turmoil in one area, it pulled everything else with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not saying that I am “fixed.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will always have to practice “constant
vigilance (Alistair Moody)” but God has done a number on my heart thus
far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am finding a peace and
contentment in spite of my weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
finding assurance and confidence in relationships without being in
control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am finding a friend in my
Jesus that has for so long been ignored and looked over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Trust me, hope is both a wonderful and scary thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am learning to not seek to control those
things around me but to instead do my very best and trust God with the
details.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is so much in this world
that we cannot control and the longer we try the more we are unable to be of
service to God.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Most people that know me know that
my lifelong ambition is to be married and have children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want a family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My desire for that family has caused me to
seek it in all the wrong places.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, not
sex and men.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I have looked for
friendship and emotional intimacy in so many people that will never be filled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am learning these days what a genuine real
life friendship looks like free of the demands of a spouse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I no longer expect my friends to fill a hole
they can never fill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I perfect?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, I mess up all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can ask my friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will tell you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am trying and trusting.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .25in;">
Those are a few things from my
past, so what do I see in 2014?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not
sure but I am expecting God to do something great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know what that great will be and
remember God sent the savior of the world to be born in a stable but I do know
there is a plan and I am determined that for me, 2014 will be a time that even
while I wait, I will trust in him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
focus verses for the year are threefold:</div>
<br /><br />1) “This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.” Habakkuk 2:3 <br /><br />2) “Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the Lord tested Joseph’s character.” Psalm 105:19 <br /><br />3) “It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise.” Hebrews 11:11<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hope that each of you instead of a resolution are looking
for a verse to build your 2014 on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His
word is the ONLY foundation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>May your
2014 bring honor and glory to our Lord.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Hannah Woodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17479059084506135105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141751210842033295.post-37337532328947436582012-07-29T00:18:00.002-04:002012-07-29T00:18:33.462-04:00Chapters of Life<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and
writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with
what he vowed to make it.<br />
<div align="right" style="text-align: right;">
J.M. BARRIE, <i>The Little Minister</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Today
I heard someone talk about how our life is a story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My life as I currently live it is not an accident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not happen stance that I am right where
I am at this very moment but is instead being penned by an author who not only
can see back to before time even began but to infinity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your life, my life, is not chance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you think about your life from that
perspective it really does change things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you go one step further and not just think about it from that
perspective but LIVE it from that perspective it changes everything.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Every
story has chapters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether it is one
page or a hundred our life is made up of segments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some are so glorious and joyful that we wish
we could stay and abide there forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They make us feel sustained and complete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We feel like conquerors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are encircled with love and it seems like
life could not be any richer or more beautifully written.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then there are those chapters that even one
word seems like too many.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where the pain
is so deep and so intense that we feel like we could break into a million
pieces if someone merely breathed on us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Those chapters where life feels like it is crushing us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like Atlas who was punished by having to hold
the world on his shoulders, it feels like we are chained to a mountain of
despair with the burden of every minute pressing further and further in our
chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just to breathe is an effort and
we do not feel like they are ever going to end but would wish with our very
last breath that we could have just one second of reprieve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then there are the moments in between.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The chapters where life is not extremely
joyful or crushingly sad but instead are mundane, routine, or normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The days that roll from one day into two and
then suddenly a month has gone by or even a year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These chapters are made up of small
decisions, small tasks, and seemingly small moments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, it is in these chapters that most of
life is lived.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is in these chapters
that we see our story fleshed out and we see how to live life during both the
times of joy and the times of despair.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
by nature am a reflective person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
constantly analyzing and searching for that next thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next thing that will enhance or improve
my journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look at my life, my
choices, my decisions, my circumstances and search and search for what I could
have done or what I should have done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Like a computer search engine looking for the most relevant solution, my
heart and mind are always searching for the key.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is the key to my life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To my future?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What is the next line being written into my story?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see, if I know ahead of time what will be
then maybe I will be ready for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe
I can prepare myself for what is to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because like any storyteller the Master Storyteller knows that life cannot
be lived completely in those moments of bliss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yes, He is the Prince of Peace and He intends us to live an abundant
life but that is IN SPITE of our circumstances not INSTEAD of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The last few
weeks I have been reflecting back on the latest chapters of my life still
searching for that missing element.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Change,
turmoil, and stress always drive me to search.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In the beginning as I looked back on the last few months and all I saw
was failure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The current theme of my
life story is health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For two years, I
have poured my time, energy, money, heart, soul, and body into fighting for my
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is not taking things to an
extreme.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the honest truth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked back and I saw weight gain not
loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw pain showing back up after
months of none.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw my life as
stagnant and unmoving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw unwanted
change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The story I saw written before
my eyes was dim, dark, depressing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
a story of a woman who had lost hope and was searching to renew it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is the story I saw written.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, it is not the true story.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">What is the true
story?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was the Master writing not
on the pages of a book but on my very heart?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>None of what I saw was untrue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
had gained weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had started hurting
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was stagnant and unmoving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did have to change things against every
fiber of my being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The difference was
that he saw none of that as dim, dark, or depressing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This chapter of my life was one of developing
strength and the beginnings of loosening the dependence I have on others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see in my gym there are phases to
training.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stamina is my favorite because
in those actions of running, jumping, hopping, spinning, etc. I feel like an
athlete and someone who can conquer the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is speed which I have not done before because honestly, I have
bigger fish to fry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is size which
is not necessary and then there is strength.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Strength is boring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Strength is
painful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Strength is an exercise in
monotony.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It takes extreme effort and
attention to detail to maximize its benefits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is a necessity to stamina.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
builds the muscles which burn the calories more effectively in stamina.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is what this summer was to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The past few months in my story have been
boring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have not changed from day
to day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have been painful as I have
had stress mount with each passing day about my future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been wounded deeply by the continued
delays of my dreams and deepest desires.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have had to wake up every day and fight against the feelings of
failure and the pain and shame that brings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have had to bring attention to the exact details of exercise, food
consumption, job searches, and relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>None of it has been fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it
has been necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A time is coming
soon when my story will begin a new chapter and it will be one where I need
stamina.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where I need every muscle and
life skill burning to make it through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Where I will face untold challenges and partake in unforeseen joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will be in those times that the challenges
of the strength phase and story will come to light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will be then that I will see why my Master
Storyteller chose for me to live through these pages of life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">All good stories
and good characters have relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Even Jesus the ultimate character of all time was surrounded by a family
and his disciples.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Harry had Ron and Hermione
walk side by side with him as he uncovered truth, love, and defeated evil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Peter, Edmund, Susan, and Lucy had countless supporters
as Kings and Queens of Narnia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since Eve
was created for Adam, we were always intended to walk in communion and
fellowship with others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What we were not
intended to do is find our ultimate happiness in other people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were not written to depend on others to
get through life but instead to support one another on the individual stories
that have been woven together to form one overarching story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all supporting cast members in the
lives of others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This has always been my
weakness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a weakness I am
determined to break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So during this
chapter of life new characters were introduced to lessen the dependence on
others on this journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thankfully, they
are not completely removed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thankfully,
so far my Storyteller has chosen to leave them as great supporting cast
members.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I continue to walk in the
ways He has written, then those bonds will become even greater instead of
becoming stripped down by wear and tear.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My story is not
over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In reality, in light of eternity,
it has only just begun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you read a
story it is imperative that you know the beginning of the story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes as you read chapter after chapter
you forget where you started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I forget where my story began.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I forget that it was only 21 months ago that
I weighed 340 pounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I forget that I
was so scared to join a gym that I cancelled my very first appointment I made
with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I forget that I was a 27 year
old fat (Sometimes that word sounds so harsh but sometimes it is the only one
that can convey the truth) girl just trying to survive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had long quit trying to thrive and live out
the story that my Master Storyteller was trying to write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was everything everyone wanted me to be and
did not even know what I was or what I wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The only thing that I knew that day was that I wanted to be
different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the 21 months that have
passed I have not only shed a tremendous amount of weight but I have changed a
lot emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The person that I was written and created to be has begun to show
through bit by bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of it is slower
to develop than others but I see it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
feel it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, it is scary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot see what the next page holds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot see when my dreams will be
fulfilled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes I do not like the person
I see because that person has started writing her own story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has stolen the pen from the Master.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is in those moments where I start to lose
hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is easy to see why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The characters were not meant to write their
own story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were meant to live the
one written for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is when I
must hand the pen back to the Author and trust His loving pen stroke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Like the above
quote states there are two stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
one we intended to write and the one that was actually written.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My question to you is this, which story are
you walking in?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can walk everyday in
the story YOU intend to write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can
walk everyday in the story YOU are writing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can get as much out of life as you can come up with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can accept the simple story that a finite
being can write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or you can walk in the
story that the Eternal Creator has been writing since the beginning of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can walk in the story that was written
expressly for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can walk in the
story that is lovingly written not only in the pages of time but the very heart
that beats in your chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The story that
is carved into the hands that stretched out wide on a cross and died so that
your story would never end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“<span class="text">See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands…” Isaiah 49:16</span></span></div>Hannah Woodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17479059084506135105noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141751210842033295.post-28440410013968511352012-07-28T21:55:00.000-04:002012-07-28T21:55:14.156-04:00Glory in Weakness<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b>"Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power
works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that
the power of Christ can work through me." 2 Corinthians 12:9</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><b> </b> </span></div>
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Thank you Lord for reminding me that almost two years ago
you decided to express your power by changing my physical body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am reminded that I was a fat little girl in
a 27 year old body who was barely hanging on and desperate to be anyone but
herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You took my ultimate weakness,
the bondage in my life that has been passed on for generations in my family,
the thorn in my side, and my most obvious sin and have begun a work in me that
I most days cannot comprehend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People
compliment me, question me, and praise me and I don't know how to respond
because I can't wrap my brain around 120 pounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t wrap my brain around the physical
changes in my body, the changes in my mind and intellect, and the changes in my
soul and spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do you explain to
people how you take someone who considered themselves nothing but a waste of
space and turn me into a woman who is trying ( and failing a lot of the time)
to live a life that honors you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do
you explain the independence that is growing inside of a woman who lived her
life as a child dependant on others for her happiness? </div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Father, I look back
and I see that you took my ultimate weakness, something that everyone in the
world can see and are using it for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t know what this is going to look like in the coming weeks,
months, and years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know you are
calling me to a platform of helping others with the same struggles and I want
that desperately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Help me to continue to
be open and honest with those who are just seeking for a bit of hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t let me forget how it felt to weigh 350
pounds and to walk into a gym terrified each and every day because of what I
looked like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Teach me how to express the
changes you have made.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Teach me how to
express the changes that no one can see because they are buried within me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unearth the hidden struggles that still lurk
in the darkness of my mind and heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t let any fear, shame, or regret keep me from the purpose you have
for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Protect me from the ever
swirling circumstances of my life and keep my eyes fixed on you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Father, this journey has not been about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It isn’t about a number on a scale but it is
about people that can be shown your might and your glory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the end you are the only reason I
succeed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are the only reason that I
survive and move on one day at a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lord, I am thankful for the past because of the heart that you built
inside me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I praise you that in this
journey you have brought unexpected lessons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That you have broken my heart for what breaks yours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That you have given me glimpses of your love
for humanity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To see the world as broken
and searching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To not see myself as more
than anyone else but that there is no one good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lord, my sin is so visible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
one can mistake me for a perfect person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But under your blood I am perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I stand in your righteousness Lord and I pray that you always remind me that
my sin is not comparable to anyone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We are all equally guilty in your eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is only your sacrifice that saves us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Father, keep me near your cross.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank
you for what you have done so far in my life and help me trust the penmanship
of the future story of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Help me
to trust your love for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<b><span class="text">“And so, dear brothers and sisters, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I plead with you to give your bodies to God
because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the
kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.” Romans
12:1</span></b></div>Hannah Woodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17479059084506135105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141751210842033295.post-74267651079778972022012-04-22T15:33:00.000-04:002012-04-22T21:06:06.815-04:00Wandering and Rest<br />
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Have you read that quote that says<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, “</i><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-style: normal;">Life</span></i><span class="st"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>is not measured by the
number of breaths we take<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, </i>but by the<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></span><i><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-style: normal;">moments that take our breath away?” That may very well be true, but this weekend
I am reminded about how life is made up of God moments. These aren’t usually huge and grand
moments. They aren’t filled with
flashing lights and screaming words.
After all, “</span></i><span class="text">It was such a terrible blast
that the rocks were torn loose, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">but the </b></span><span class="small-caps"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></b></span><span class="text"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> was not in the wind</b>. After the wind there was an earthquake<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">, but the </b></span><span class="small-caps"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></b></span><span class="text"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> was not in the earthquake</b>.</span> <span class="text"><sup><span id="en-NLT-9376">12 </span></sup>And after the earthquake there was a fire, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">but the </b></span><span class="small-caps"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></b></span><span class="text"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> was not in the fire</b>. And
after the fire there was the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">sound of a
gentle whisper</b>.</span>” (1 Kings 19:11b-12, emphasis mine) Don’t think God can’t speak through wind,
earthquakes, and fire but I find in my life He chooses to whisper. That is how we can know when we are truly
listening. You don’t have to listen hard
to experience Him in a fire or earthquake, but a whisper? </div>
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<span class="text">I know that most people have been reading
about my journey on here, Twitter, or Facebook because you want to know about
my fitness journey. My life is focused
on one thing right now, and that is my health.
In December I hit a goal I had been looking towards (and doubting I
would ever reach) when I lost 100 pounds.
Since then success has been something that has been hit and miss. But today I don’t necessarily want to talk
about that but instead I want to talk about what else has been happening. Be forewarned, this could be lengthy. </span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span></div>
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<span class="text">So in December I was hired to be a
temporary teacher at Lenoir City High School.
My mentor teacher had retired and I was blessed to be hired as his
replacement. You have to understand what
a blessing this was. I was going somewhere
I felt somewhat comfortable, I had a couple of friends, and where I wasn’t
going to be tied down by a state mandated deadline for end of the course
testing. I could go at my kids’ speed
and not worry about getting through a certain amount of material. To say I fell in love with my students would
be an understatement. Though I am not
sure if they believe me when I say that I don’t dislike any of them (I tell
them I dislike their choices), that is the truth. I see what they can be and what they are and
their sweet little hearts. These kids
have thrown me a surprise birthday party, given me class mascots to sit on my
desk, give me hugs, spend time in my room when they don’t have to, and are
generally are just good kids. Unfortunately,
I found out last week that I would not be returning here next year. I knew that this was most likely going to be the
case going into the job but I hadn’t fallen in love with students then. Needless to say, I am crushed that I will
lose these kids and this environment which in a world that is going further and
further from Christ, still seeks Him.</span></div>
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<span class="text">I am actively looking for a teaching job
for next year and have already interviewed at the school that I have always
dreamed about teaching. If you know me
well, you know what school I am talking about.
I know (head knowledge) that God has plan for my life. I know that where He wants me to work will be
a place where I can bring Him glory. After
all, no matter what life brings our primary objective on this planet is to
glorify His name. That head knowledge is
working on moving to my heart but more on that later.</span></div>
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<span class="text">With any kind of new job or life situation,
you have stress. It is a good stress because
it is coming from a place of excitement and expectation but it is stressful
none the less. I don’t handle stress
well. I think we all know that. If this had been the only stress in my life,
maybe things would have been different.
But it wasn’t and we can’t go back in time. There are a lot of things that you don’t
think about when you are eating your life away.
For instance, do you know how much money it costs to replace your
wardrobe every couple of months? Do you
know how much it costs to pay for a gym and a trainer so that you are actively
working to change your life? Do you know
how much it costs to have adequate athletic gear to do the things you have
fallen in love with? Spin shoes, running
shoes, gym shoes, shorts, T-shirts, compression shorts, etc? Have you ever thought about that? Money is always stressful but even so it
still wasn’t the most stressful part of my life.</span></div>
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<span class="text">When you lose a lot of weight (I am up to
120 lbs) you aren’t just losing fat. If
you haven’t walked this journey, trust me when I say you can’t know what I am
talking about. You become a different
person. Yes, I still have the same heart
that loves Jesus and wants to be married with kids more than anything else on
this planet. Yes, I am still a
Wood. However, things are stripped away
from you. No longer do you have your
weight to blame or to hide behind. You
don’t have a built in excuse or a built in protection from the pain that will
come. Parts of you are changed. The way you deal with positive good things
change and the way you deal with the negative changes. You walk unsteadily in a world you used to
know but now you don’t quite know where you fit. You don’t fit in where you used to. Like I said, everything shifts. Sometimes your family and friends get it and
sometimes they don’t. It can be a lonely
journey.</span></div>
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<span class="text">In case you didn’t know I have suffered
from depression since I was high school.
Yes, I have done counseling. Yes,
I have done medication. Yes, I have been
suicidal. Yes, anything you think about
depression I have been there. It isn’t
something I am ashamed of any more. I
used to be. Too many Christians believe
that depression is always a result of sin but that is NOT the case. Yes, it can be but when we stick that on
everyone we are doing so much damage to them.
So with the new job, the new me, the money issues, and just everyday
life I began having a roller coaster life again with some good highs but with
some nasty lows. Roller coasters may be
fun for a couple of minutes but when one day you are happy and content and the
next day you are devastated, there is nothing fun about it. I decided to go on an anti-depressant again
just to try to balance out and gain some perspective. A friend told me many years ago that
sometimes you need a little help just to get to the place where you can deal
with any issues that are causing the depression. I completely agree. But this time I didn’t realize what this
seemingly simple decision would do to my life for the next 3 months.</span></div>
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<span class="text">That was February. This is April. Since I began taking that medicine, nothing
in the circumstances of my life have changed.
However, I am in a much worse place.
You expect when you take something to help you, for it to help you. In my case the two different drugs I have
tried so far have instead driven me lower.
Yes, I am not swinging from high to low but instead I operate on a
passionless, dead stare, just try to survive mentality. And even worse, I do not sleep. I am not talking that I am up constantly but
instead I go to sleep and then wake up every couple of hours. Every night.
And this isn’t a wake up groggy and go right back to sleep, this is a
wake up and I am completely alert. I
have thoughts going on and song lyrics in my head as if they were playing while
I was asleep. This happens every
night. So compound the life
circumstances, the depression, and the sleep problems and you have a very
dysfunctional Hannah. I don’t write this
to complain. I have done that
enough. I write this to tell you what
God showed me this weekend in various moments.</span></div>
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<span class="text">Do you know what it means to rest? In terms of physical rest I am definitely at
a deficient place. But what about in
terms of your soul and spirit? I don’t
do well there either. Check out this
passage from my “Made to Crave” devotional referring to Matthew 11:28:</span></div>
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<span class="text">“Then Jesus said,
</span><span class="woj">“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy
burdens, and I will give you rest.</span>” Matthew 11:28 NLT<span class="text"></span></div>
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"The Greek word for this kind
of rest is anapauo which means "of calm and patient expectation." in
other words Jesus is saying, "If you come to me, I will take your
exhaustion in this area and turn it into expectation. In this place you
feel hopeless, I can make you hopeful."...One of the assignments Jesus
gives us is to take on his yoke and learn from him. In other words,
discipline and work are necessary. This is my part of the equation.
But after the assignment comes reassurance. God knows where your
strength ends and that is the exact point where his strength
begins.""</div>
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Did you catch that? Resting
means “of calm and patient expectation.”
Does that define you? In this
moment and in this time of my life it most definitely does not define me. I am not calm. I am a basket case about whether I will have
a job next year, about whether I am ever going to start losing weight again,
about whether I am ever going to get married, about how I can survive
financially, about how long is it going to be before I can move out of my
parent’s house, etc. I am not calm. I am not patient. I am not waiting on the Lord. I continue to live out of the impatience and
anxiety of my own flesh. This God who
not only died for me but who holds my eternal salvation in His mighty hands is
telling me to be calm and patient and rest.
But what do I do? I wander.</div>
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<span class="text">This weekend was my weekend to volunteer
with the Tech ministry at church. I go
to Faith Promise. I struggled with the
decision to call and say I couldn’t come.
I am so very tired and honestly the thought of hearing all the happy,
peppy music and having to be fake around people just was exhausting. I wanted to stay home where I could be sad
and be left alone. I have so much I
needed to do this weekend anyway. As
hard as I fought to make myself stay home, my sense of responsibility wouldn’t
let me skip out. I went last night and
found that as always, God was expecting me.
Did you know he wrote an entire sermon just for me?</span></div>
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<span class="text">I love Israel. I don’t why and I don’t when it started but
anything to do with the Jewish people just makes me happy and interested. I know that I have always resonated with part
of their story. If you are familiar at
all with the Old Testament you know that the Israelites were God’s chosen
people. He made a covenant with them and
gave them a Promised Land. This land was
freaking amazing. Take the most
beautiful and productive land you can think of, magnify it by a million and you
may start to get close to what the Promised Land was. However, the Israelites were stupid. They see God give them water from a rock,
pour down manna and quail from Heaven, continuously renew their clothes, guide
them as a cloud in the day and as fire at night, but none of that changed
them. They disbelieved God. They said, sure you did all that but you can’t
defeat these nations. They are too big
and we are too small. You can’t do
it. So instead of entering this land
that God had already promised them, they wandered around in a desert for 40
years until they had all died off. 40
years of wandering and 40 years of opportunities to trust and lean on God. Instead, they doubted and complained. They lived this constant cycle of seeing the
goodness and miracles of the Lord, walking with Him, growing weary, turning
away from God, suffering the consequences, turning back to God, seeing His
goodness and miracles, and on and on it went.
Now before you get too upset with them, think about yourself. How many times has God provided for you? How many times has He come through? Over and over again God proves himself to
us. Over and over again we forget and go
back to living without Him. This is
definitely the picture of my life.</span></div>
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<span class="text">God has promised each one of His children
that we can “have life and have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10) Yet, I choose most days to survive. To subsist.
To barely make it through the day with sanity intact (and that is
debatable). Why when I have bought with
the precious blood of Christ do I continue to live chained in sin? Why do I continue to wander through the
desert when God has thrown open the doors to the Promised Land and invited me
in? The answer is simple: I don’t trust God. We are going to stay in the Wilderness until
we choose to trust God. Until we learn
to lean on Him. I for one have not
learned this lesson.</span></div>
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<span class="text">Why when the answer is so simple am I still
wandering? Each one of us has to ask God
this question but for me, part of my answer is fear. In the sermon today Pastor Chris talked about
Israelites. He pointed out that faith
concerning our future is scary. That is
the truth for me in this moment. My
future is scary. I don’t know where I
will be working, how I can survive financially without a teaching job, how I
can be successful and grow still living at my parent’s, how I can continue to
wait on my heart’s desire, and how I can continue on this health journey when
it seems to have hit a brick wall. All
of this scares me. I am scared about who
I am and who I am becoming. Am I
honoring God with the changes in me or am I growing further from him? Am I constantly seeking His will and His
direction or have I gone back to the old me and completely depend on others and
the world for direction? It is
scary. HOWEVER, my God and my Savior is
love and “</span>There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.”
(1 John 4:18) My Father tells me that if
I will only trust him that he will fight for me. I love this verse in Exodus 14:14 “<span class="text">Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the </span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="text"> rescue you today…<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The </b></span><span class="small-caps"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></b></span><span class="text"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> himself will fight for you. Just stay calm</b>.”</span> The one who created the Universe, who
literally breathed the stars into being will fight for me. If I will let Him. But what do I do, I choose to remain a slave
wandering in the desert.</div>
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<span class="text">The Israelites had choices. They could have trusted God and entered into
the Land he had prepared for them. They
could have returned to Egypt. After all,
they knew what to expect there. They
were slaves and their life was horrible but at least they knew what they were walking
into. They instead chose to wander. To fight and struggle with resting in God and
to witness some amazing miracles but miss the One who was performing them. What decision are you making today? I know that I am in the wilderness. I know that I am not trusting God in spite of
His miracles and provisions. I intend to
remedy that. Does that mean I will wake
up in a great mood tomorrow regardless of sleep? No it doesn’t. But what it means is that I have been placed
under the conviction and compassion of my merciful God and I choose this day to
submit to His will and direction for my life.
Yes, the future is scary. Yes, I
don’t know what waits for me. But I do
know who walks beside me. My Jesus who
promises me, “<sup>For</sup> I know the plans I have for you,” says the </span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="text">. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a
future and a hope.</span>” (Jeremiah 29:11) and that, “But those who trust in
the <span class="small-caps"><span style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="text"> will find new strength.</span> <span class="text">They will soar high on wings
like eagles. They will run and not grow
weary.</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"> Th</span><span class="text">ey
will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)</span></div>
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<span class="text">Father, let it be done as you have
said. I choose to rest in you and walk
with you. I choose to step and trust you
to move. I choose to place my faith and
my future in your nail-scarred hands. Keep
me close. Bring passion that is
unparalleled in my existence. Restore my
hope. Pour out your peace. Father as the song says, “</span>But You were
the One who filled my cup. And You were
the One who let it spill. So blessed be
your Holy name if you never fill it up again.
If this is where my story ends, just give me one more breath to say, Hallelujah.”<span class="text"></span></div>Hannah Woodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17479059084506135105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141751210842033295.post-60658875775173849152012-03-24T11:13:00.000-04:002012-03-24T11:13:31.217-04:00The ChangeI was talking to someone at the gym this week about my journey and they suggested I put up a before and current picture. So I have decided to do so. The before picture on the left is 2007 and the picture on the right is December of 2011. I don't look even like that anymore. I have shorter hair and have lost another 20 but it is the most recent photo I have currently. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_oVssuh5CyBMIerMRDF-0VWBt7VA9sqjRpshvtAyrIuFnqtgqsIaXAZCMLtMMXG0QfxPz-tEIKMtj98GPK4vqRHmCh9ElCPA7VIhKSYGPWEqtXwl3-keJsHHKb8HlC4wdjoS3pIOBmLI/s1600/2007-2012+Collage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_oVssuh5CyBMIerMRDF-0VWBt7VA9sqjRpshvtAyrIuFnqtgqsIaXAZCMLtMMXG0QfxPz-tEIKMtj98GPK4vqRHmCh9ElCPA7VIhKSYGPWEqtXwl3-keJsHHKb8HlC4wdjoS3pIOBmLI/s320/2007-2012+Collage.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I hope to write on here again soon. You all know, life gets really crazy and there is just no time.Hannah Woodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17479059084506135105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141751210842033295.post-78185855017566910102011-12-27T00:08:00.000-05:002011-12-27T00:08:09.272-05:00The Ties that Bind Us<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal;">Let me say before I even begin talking, that I am in NO way taking any sort of credit for what God is doing in the life of my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is doing it all!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anytime you want to think something good about me, think about Him.</div><div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I have been thinking a lot about my family lately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not just about Mom, Dad, Luke and his family, and Andy but my whole family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most specifically, my Dad’s side of the family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that I don’t often think of Mom’s side but they don’t struggle with my particular form of addiction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you know me well, you know that my Dad’s family struggles with obesity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many of them, my Dad, and me fight the never ending struggle against food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything revolved and still to some extent revolves around food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, this takes its toll over the years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, many of our family members have died early in life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many in their fifties from heart attacks.</div><div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>My Mammaw was one of these people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She died when I was just a kid but there is probably no person I adored more at that point in my life (and still do).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember always feeling so safe and so loved by that woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought she hung the moon and I loved her dearly. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, for some reason I don’t have many childhood memories but I do have two in particular.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first is that Mammaw and Pappaw used to take turns letting us come over and spend the night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you got to spend the night, it was a big deal because you got to pick whatever you wanted to eat for both supper and breakfast the next morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember clearly that my choices were always Little Caesars for dinner and Sweet Sixteen chocolate donuts for breakfast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We didn’t go play outside or do anything active.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We went and ate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My other memory is the fact that she wanted me to come spend the night with her and I told her I didn’t want to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That memory still haunts me because I didn’t get to say I love you or spend that one more day with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It breaks my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She died of a massive heart attack a few days after that.</div><div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>My father and I both inherited that love of food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though I have always been fat, I never really thought about myself dying but my Dad dying was a constant fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never thought he would live long enough to be in my wedding or see me have children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The year he turned fifty I knew it was just a matter of time until he followed in the footsteps of his Mom and the others in his family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then he had triple bypass and they told him he had to lose weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought, well finally he will do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He didn’t and I didn’t understand why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He finally was convinced by his doctors to have gastric bypass and lost 160 pounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not going to argue the merits of the surgery but I am thankful that it gave my Dad to me for what I hope is several more years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During this whole time I never once thought, “Hey, Hannah you are heading in the same direction.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If you are reading this blog then you know that about 14 months I finally began changing my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The funny thing is that one of the key causes of this change was a family picture we were taking of all the grandkids and great grandkids for my Pappaw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t stand what I saw in that picture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not shy about talking about what is going in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am an open book and as you can imagine the few times a year I am with my extended family it is a topic of conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many of my family members are my friends on facebook and they celebrate my successes with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell them about changes and talk about what is different in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You never know what your words are going to do when you just open your mouth and speak.</div><div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A couple of weeks ago we had a small party to celebrate my 100 pound weight loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My Aunts and Uncles all came.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of my Uncles told me that he had overheard a conversation between me and one of my Aunts about how this time was different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How when I fail, this time I get back up and keep going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was a key.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me that he decided to start doing something about his health and now he has lost over 30 pounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was blown away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never thought that my journey could help someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially someone I love so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then that same night another Uncle told me he wanted to run a 5k with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, I was blown away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I of course agreed and we are doing that 5k this coming Sunday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, I can’t run at the moment so we are walking and not only are the two of us walking but my other Uncle, my Aunt, and I believe 3 of my cousins are walking it with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went home on Christmas Eve after being with my family and learning this and just cried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so overcome with the realization that being obedient to God and his prompts could not just change my life but change the lives of those I love so much.</div><div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This realization flipped another switch in my mind and heart on this journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you can imagine a wall of light switches in your heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They all have to be switched for ultimate success but God has a pattern in which he wants them turned on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been stuck for awhile and not being able to appreciate or understand the depth of what I was doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was watching myself from a far and not living in my body through the success but only through the failure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like this growth in my family has flipped that next switch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">I fully believe in generational bondage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exodus 34:6-7 says,” Yahweh!<sup value="[<a href="#fen-NLT-2503a" title="See footnote a">a</a>]"> </sup><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The L<span style="font-variant: small-caps;">ord</span>! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">But I do not excuse the guilty. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren; the entire family is affected even children in the third and fourth generations.</b>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let us not kid ourselves and say that overeating is not a sin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is gluttony.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This sin has been passed down in my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is bondage and I became determined to be the one to break it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My children will have other things that they battle but as much as I can control, food will not be one of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it isn’t just my children that can be saved from this destruction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This past Sunday I heard a verse at church that really hit home about what I believe God is doing in my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Acts 16:31 says, “They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, along with everyone in your household.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not saying that I am saving my family because I can’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t save them in anyway but my Jesus can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He only asks me to believe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do believe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe that my family can become more active.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe they can start eating healthier and I believe that one by one the chains of an early grave and the chains of destroying the temple God is made to live in will fall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe whole heartedly that God can change my family.</div><div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">My question to you is this, what is God calling you to do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter how small you believe it is, it is for a reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know 100% that God called me to this journey at this time for a reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always wondered why I could never have success when what I wanted was Biblical and it would please God but he had a plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had a plan for me to be at the gym I am at, with the people I am with, at this time for a reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if I had disobeyed?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if I gave into my constant fear or didn’t get back up when I fall?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if I had questioned his timing or how he was going to provide?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not about what I do, it is about just showing up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take that first step.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Show up!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God can do amazing things with someone who is just willing to show up.</div><div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;"><br />
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</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 24.0pt;">“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Deuteronomy 30:19</span></div>Hannah Woodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17479059084506135105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141751210842033295.post-26781965157073155192011-12-12T22:33:00.000-05:002011-12-12T22:33:35.477-05:00Keeping My Eyes Open<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal">The goal that I had my eyes on for over a year has now been reached.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since I began this journey, I knew that losing 100 pounds was my first huge goal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been focused on it and the weight aspect the whole time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the number approached, I became more and more freaked out about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would I get there by the date I had set?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would I do after I got there?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the first 100 was this hard, how hard was the second 100 going to be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you know anything about me, you know that when I become freaked out about something parts of my heart and mind shut down and become numb to protect myself from pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You would think this would make you feel better or safer but that is not the case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God did not create us to run from pain or numb ourselves to it but instead to keep walking through it, leaning on Christ every step of the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t do this well the majority of the time.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I have actually been struggling with this the entire journey, but as the pressure turned up the harder it got to not go numb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This has been a big issue in the gym.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I have watched weight fall off me and I have begun to be able to do things I never dreamed I would be able to do, I have not taken pleasure in these successes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, every once in awhile I would feel pride that I accomplished something or people would tell me how amazing something was but it never felt real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told Meredith that it was like watching someone else do all of that stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was some other girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never felt in the moment and honestly, that stinks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you feel every bit of the physical pain and you feel the pain of missing family events or time with friends, you better believe you want to feel the pride, excitement, and happiness from success.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So how do you do that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do you live in the moment and not shut your heart down?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the challenge I have moved onto now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not one of running more miles, lifting more weights, or eating more proteins and less carbs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a matter of healing past hurts, of trusting God with those hurts and those moments that led to this present, it is a matter of trusting myself to succeed and not fail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This maybe the hardest challenge yet.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>As I have considered these questions and talked about them with Meredith, we have not come to an answer but that does not mean you stop working in the mean time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am continually asking God for direction and steps to take.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last week, I was listening to my Needtobreathe “Reckoning” CD for the millionth time and a song that I have heard a lot spoke fresh to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is “Keep Your Eyes Open” and here are the lyrics (Emphasis Mine):</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">“If you could soldier on<br />
Headstrong into the storm<br />
I’ll be here waiting on the other side<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Don’t look back<br />
The road is long<br />
The first days of the war are gone<br />
</b>Take back your former throne and turn the tide<br />
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Cause if you never leave home, never let go<br />
You’ll never make it to the great unknown till you<br />
Keep your eyes open, my love<br />
So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see<br />
</b>I need to hear it, can you promise me to<br />
Keep your eyes open, my love<br />
<br />
Just past the circumstance<br />
The first light, a second chance<br />
No child could ever dance the way you do, oh<br />
Tear down the prison walls<br />
Don’t start the curtain call<br />
Your chains will never fall until you do<br />
<br />
Cause if you never leave home, never let go<br />
You’ll never make it to the great unknown till you<br />
Keep your eyes open, my love<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">So show me your fire, show me your heart<br />
You know I’ll never let you fall apart if you<br />
Keep your eyes open, my love<br />
</b><br />
Open up<br />
Open up<br />
Open up your eyes<br />
The weight is unbroken<br />
Open up<br />
Open up<br />
Open up your eyes<br />
Keep your eyes open<br />
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Don’t let the night become the day<br />
Don’t take the darkness to the grave<br />
I know pain is just a place<br />
The will has been broken<br />
Don’t let the fear become the hate<br />
Don’t take the sadness to the grave<br />
I know the fight is on the way<br />
When the sides have been chosen<br />
</b><br />
Cause if you never leave home, never let go<br />
You’ll never make it to the great unknown <br />
Open up your eyes<br />
Keep your eyes open<br />
So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see<br />
I need to hear it, can you promise me to<br />
Keep your eyes open, my love<br />
So show me your fire, show me your heart<br />
You know I’ll never let you fall apart if you<br />
Keep your eyes open, my love<br />
<br />
Keep your eyes (Keep your eyes open)”</div><div class="MsoNormal">There was so much in this song that spoke to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could hear Jesus whispering to my spirit that He was right there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only waiting on the other side but walking along side me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has given me a year of victories to look at when I feel weak or like a failure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a year of the war over and yes, the sides have been chosen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am on the winning side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no turning back now!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was all reflective and looking back but He gave me words for the future too and these are the ones that have become what I shout in my mind during the times of attack and doubt.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I am scared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not afraid to admit it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything that I have ever wanted seems to be getting closer by the day and every pound or inch I lose seems to be throwing me forward towards a future that I so desire but that I am not sure if I am ready for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I emotionally prepared to date and marry?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I ready to have only myself to depend on?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who is this person that I am becoming and will people still like her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am scared of becoming just as addicted to exercise and nutrition as I was to food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, not all addictions are to inherently evil things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Give me more time and I could come up with more things that I am scared of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, this song reminded me if I do not let go then I am going to miss it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I don’t let go of the fear, of the control, of the doubt then I am going to miss or delay what God has for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want to miss the great unknown because it is there that God is calling me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I have to keep my eyes open and my heart open and alert. It cannot be numb. I promise to keep my eyes open and God promises to not let me fall apart.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">Part of letting go is learning to do this fitness journey alone and trusting myself to succeed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now hear me that I know I am not truly alone because I not only have my Abba Father but I also have a duo of women who God has blessed me with that are right there next to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, right now I am not training and I don’t have someone to push me harder and farther than I know to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to find that within myself. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a people pleasing, background, and soft spoken person I don’t find fire easy to come by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So the line, “Show me your fire, show me your heart,” has become my constant reminder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is what I say when I don’t feel intense or purposeful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I had it on a bracelet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is what I have promised myself and what I promise those who are pushing me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will show you my fire and you already see my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">One of the reasons I decided to do this blog is that I am slowly learning that God uses things I say and do in ways that I just don’t understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then again, his thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways are not my ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know if anyone else has walked where I am walking right now and can offer me advice or if someone is just starting the journey that I have already started and needs someone to talk to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever it is, God has a plan and purpose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am confident in one thing and it is this, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep walking my friends!</div>Hannah Woodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17479059084506135105noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141751210842033295.post-11048009747605702072011-12-11T18:20:00.006-05:002011-12-11T18:20:51.421-05:00More than a Child's Toy (Written October 2011)How many times do we miss the opportunities, joy, or pleasure from the moment God has us in because we are worrying or being frightened by things to come? For me, this is daily struggle. I am not the kind of person that finds it easy to live in the now. I can see what is coming up before me and some days it seems so huge and daunting and I seem so small and insignificant. I think if only I could truly internalize and believe in my heart God's words in Matthew 6:34, "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."<br />
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God just drilled me in the heart about this today. Let me tell you how. I have fallen in love with indoor cycling. If I could do one thing at the gym for the rest of my life, that would be it. I don't know why. I have really been wanting to move that love to the outdoors. It is fall now and the temperature is comfortable and the scenery beautiful. I thought it would be nice to go ride on the weekends and not have to be so dependent on a gym. I have a bike. I got it two years ago for Christmas. That was during my non-fitness days and so while I really did want it, I never rode it. Can you guess what happened to it? It rusted. I in my naivete thought that it only would rust if it got wet and since it was in the garage I thought it would be fine. I was wrong. Inactivity destroys but that is a whole other subject. I was recently given a gift to celebrate my fitness-versary and I have been praying and thinking about buying a new bike from a cycle shop. To help me in this decision, my friend Christy offered to bring her two bikes with her to the Rush and we would go ride them and see what I thought. I was pumped but more terrified and worried. Why you may ask, it is only bike riding? Well, I haven't been on a bike since probably middle school. I decided to help remedy this by riding my bike around yesterday to get used to it again. This did not go well. The seat wouldn't stop tipping me off the bike and I couldn't get going. It just was a complete failure. Hannah's level of worry and fear were at about a 9.<br />
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So today comes and before I was going bike riding, I had my training session. It was our first session back in strength so I knew my muscles were in for it. It was a DISASTER! I could tell when I was warming up that my head was not right and as much I as tried to pray through it and mentally prepare myself, I couldn't get past my fears of the bike ride. In the moment I had no idea that was the problem. See when I freak myself out, I become numb and blank. I just kinda zone out. So instead of me being able to pinpoint the problem I just get frustrated about the result. I have a wonderful trainer who can read me better than any human I have ever encountered (and that is saying something considering some of the people that are my friends and family). She knew something was up and when I was supposed to be doing pull-ups and I just couldn't get it, she pulled me off and let me do some cardio on the rowing machine to reset myself and then we did a different exercise that worked the same muscle group. I did finish the day and it was a hard workout but because of my fear of the future and really my pride, I missed what God had for me in that moment. I missed the joy and pleasure of doing something I can't believe I am doing. I missed it.<br />
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The bike ride started the same way. I couldn't even get seated on it without tipping one way or the other. We were going nowhere and I was becoming more and more embarrassed. Thankfully, Christy is a patient woman and worked on it and I finally got going. In the beginning I kept driving into things. If you have ever seen the Frasier episode where he learns to ride a bike, you know what I am talking about. If you stare at a pole, or a creek, or a manhole cover you are probably going to drive into it. How many times do we do the same thing in life? We get so focused on an obstacle we miss that all we have to do is turn the wheel just a bit and go on the path God meant for us to walk and we get past it. Sometimes we even have to go over the obstacle and we may fall down. We may fail, but we have to get back on the bike and keep pedaling this journey we are on. I am so thankful my Jesus loves me even when I fall off the path or when I take a REALLY long time to get back on the bike. He is so patient. Romans 2:4 says,"Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience,not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?" He is kind, tolerant, and patient. So I got back on my bike and I kept riding. It was a beautiful time outside, with a friend, and just listening to the Spirit. He brought me to the root of my fear (my pride) and I was able to confess it and move on. The end of the bike ride showed a ton of progress and I felt at peace about what I had accomplished.<br />
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So what are you worrying about right now that is making you miss the moment? God has a divine plan for your life and every single moment is accounted for. Don't miss a single one! IF you do, and we all do, continue on and grasp on to the next one. Everyday brings it's own trouble but thankfully God's mercies are new every morning.Hannah Woodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17479059084506135105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3141751210842033295.post-80530162911413298562011-12-11T18:20:00.000-05:002011-12-11T18:20:04.530-05:00My Story (Written October 2011)Okay, if you follow me on Facebook then you have seen this but I figured it was a good place to start. It was written in October. I don't know how often I will blog but Mom finally convinced me it was necessary. Who am I to say that my story can't be used by God to change people. I am willing and He is more than able.<br />
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I have now been on this journey to health and fitness for a year. I am in general a very reflective person but holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. all usually make that especially true. So I thought I would write down my story of the past year and some things that God has taught me about himself and about myself.<br />
It all started last year in September. I tell most people that I just woke up one morning and thought, “I think I will go join a gym.” That is pretty close to the truth but it really happened like this. I was in the midst of taking 15 hours of history classes so that I could student teach the following semester. Like any typical college students I did most of my work at night and stayed up playing on my computer researching or writing. One night during the last night of September I started looking at gym websites because I felt a nudge to join a gym. I checked out several in the area but landed on the Rush because it was close and it was open 24 hours. I clicked on the trial membership button hoping that just meant that I could go workout for two weeks to try it out and be left alone until I decided to join. That was not the case as I was emailed the next day to set up an appointment to meet with the sales staff. I made an appointment but immediately started coming up with excuses of why I couldn’t go. I finally emailed the guy and made up something of why I couldn’t come. We moved the appointment to September 30th. This one I kept and this was the divine appointment God had set up for me.<br />
Have you ever been terrified to even walk in a door? I care very much what people think of me. Even people I don’t know. I know that people look at fat people and assume that we are slobs, lazy, and uneducated. I mean after all, no intelligent person would let themselves weight 350 pounds. I go into any first impression meeting trying to figure out how to counteract these assumptions. Going into a gym is a lot worse because almost everyone there is healthy or at least looks healthy. I was blessed however, by meeting a young woman named Katie. When I sat down to meet with the sales guy he had Katie come join us as we talked about my goals and what I was looking for. She then took me around and showed me some exercises. I am all about heart and I feel connections with people very strongly and very quickly (this is a blessing and a curse). I felt this with Katie. She had eyes that didn’t look at me with shame or condemnation and she was knowledgeable. This combined with my inability to say no to things led me to not only sign a two year contract but to buy some training sessions. You have to understand that if I had not bought these sessions I would not have succeeded. Hannah plus a treadmill would not have equaled success. He knew what was coming down the road and knew that I needed support and accountability there in that building where I intended to be completely left alone and isolated.<br />
Training is incredibly difficult. It isn’t just the physical aspect that is hard and painful but the mental aspect, most days, is my more difficult challenge. It really didn’t help any that my second training session resulted in me passing out for like 5 minutes. Lucky for me I never hit the floor as I just kind leaned up against a machine but I woke up to Katie terrified and the fitness manager getting ready to call an ambulance. This is what happens when you don’t prepare for a hard workout by eating or drinking. One of my biggest fears in the gym is throwing up so I hadn’t eaten anything. I have not made that mistake again. I continued to work out with Katie for the next month or so and then she got promoted to fitness manager for our club. I was devastated. You have to understand that this partnership for me was like a cancer patient with a trusted doctor. Here I am dying more and more every day. Just destroying my body and this person is sent to save me. For that to be taken from me in my mind was a disaster. Also, my number one issue in life is that I depend on people more than God. I am aware of this problem and I battle it in every single relationship I enter into. I have a bad habit of getting very angry with God and blaming Him any time I lose someone. So here I was in the same situation again. Honestly, I fell apart that day when I got home and really thought that was the end of my journey already. One more failed attempt. Thank God I was wrong and it was all God that I was wrong.<br />
Katie told me that she knew just who she wanted to take over training me and that this person was like me and she thought we would be a good fit. I chose to trust her and give this woman a chance. I started training with Amy in November. She was wonderful. We got to take the training to different levels and she knew how to push me at the same time as encouraging me. That is a lot harder than it looks. She was not afraid to be bold and speak the truth and I found another ally in this battle. But even more than the training relationship, we developed a friendship. I found out that her and her family attended Faith Promise Church. I have been struggling with going to church for several years now. When you are damaged by a church like I was, it takes a lot of time to get over it. Some days I still don’t feel over it. However, during all this time I have felt a constant pull to this church. They are current and use technology and media to reach people. It is always growing and they have a 11:45 service! She invited me to go with them and so I did. I have found a new church home and part of my relationship with God that had been missing. It was like a piece of my heart being restitched. I got the privilege of working out with Amy for about 9 months. During this time I started spinning regularly and fell in love with it. I also began jogging. For me this was unbelievable! Amy showed me how big of a role fear was playing in my life. It was a time where I recognized a problem but still didn’t know how to deal with it.<br />
About a month ago I started working out with Meredith. This transition, though abrupt, was a lot smoother than the first one. I got to know Meredith through spin class. She is my favorite instructor. For me, I want an instructor who is engaged with the participants, who can correct in the middle of class, who cares about the little things, and who works with passion and dedication. All of these things applied to her. She got to know me and we had a very cordial relationship. She became another part of my support team. I even got to train with her once when Amy was on vacation. Now she is my trainer soul mate. I like so much about her as a person as well as a trainer. She loves her children fiercely. She is a wealth of encouragement and is one of those people who ooze compassion and kindness. She is a lot like me because she wants to help everyone and carries their problems on her back. I had learned all of this and on the training end I was confident in her abilities. I was still nervous because I had to prove myself and how strong I was. I was still terrified though to do some things. I still didn’t trust myself to let go in some aspects of certain exercises. A couple of weeks ago our gym was remodeled and we got a Ring of Fire. This monstrosity of a machine involves a lot of pulleys and harness type contraptions where you use your body as weight or leverage. It forces you to let go and trust yourself. My biggest issue was about to be dealt with. Sure enough the first day of training when the gym reopened Meredith had me on that thing. Though she was patient with me and my fear, she was still determined that I was going to do the exercises. She told me even if we were there all day I would do it. It was so hard but I was able to do it and felt some of that fear slipping away. It wasn’t so much that I trusted myself because my body has always tried to kill me. It was that I trusted her. She said my body could handle it. Her with her many years of experience training, her with her sessions with me and knowing my limitations, and mostly her confidence and trust in me. Knowing that she knew I could do it, made me know I could do it.<br />
For most of this entire journey I have had several other women who have been counselors and advisors to me. God continues to surround me with support. They come in all kinds of people. I don’t know their spiritual conditions. I don’t know if they all have a relationship with Jesus. I try everyday when I am there to let Jesus work through me. I try to allow Him to show up. I want them to see Him. He is the reason for my success. Proverbs 11:14 “For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure.” God has surrounded me with advisers. I have had three different trainers and two different fitness managers. The only one I haven’t told you about yet is Christy. She has been around me for almost the whole journey. She has a tremendous amount of wisdom and knowledge about nutrition and fitness. She is my go to girl with random questions. She calls me “all-star” and makes me feel like a million bucks every time she speaks to me. She helps me remember to fight the mental battle just as much as my physical battle. These women have been my greatest source of encouragement and support walking around with flesh on. They each bring different things to the table that have combined to get me where I am today. They even bought me spin shoes. I honestly can’t imagine my life without them. God has used them to show me how important preparation, discipline, and knowledge are in all aspects of life, especially my walk with Him. I had gotten away from spending time with him and all of my books were fiction. I wasn’t growing and learning. I wasn’t seeking him. I was just expecting Him to show up when I needed him and then to go away again. That isn’t how this thing works. He wants all of me. He wants surrender to him and his purposes. He wants me to seek hard after him.<br />
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So that brings me to now. I have lost 79 pounds this year. Not my goal, but a great amount nonetheless. An amount that I am very proud of. But what I am even more pleased with is the work God has done in me on the inside. This year has been the second hardest period of my life. I spent 2 to 3 years dealing with a deep depression and all kinds of related issues. I dwelt in darkness and pits that were so dark and deep I couldn’t see death right in front of my face. I had no hope for a future or any happiness. God got me through that time and showed me a future. He showed me that I didn’t need a person to be happy. That was the major lesson of that time. This last year has been about trust. To prove that this journey could not have been done without him, he had me do it in a time of no job, almost no income, and no time. He chose this year to flip the motivation and desire switch in my heart and soul. It didn’t matter that I had none of those things. I had Him and he was (and is) driving me. Thoughts and issues gain so much power in the dark. Would you believe that for so many years I refused to admit that my weight affected me? When I was going to counseling I refused to talk about my weight with my counselor. I told her it had nothing to do with my problems. It stayed in the dark though it was completely visible for everyone to see. No more! With this motivation, God illuminated my heart and showed me where it has. How it has made me work harder and longer to be loved and appreciated because I thought that is what I had to do to earn love. My struggle no longer stays in the dark. It is not only visible but it is known. I know what I am dealing with and God is showing me broken wall by broken wall how it has imprisoned me these many years.<br />
That is what God has shown me about me. He has shown me more about himself. Here are some things:<br />
1.) Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”<br />
I have spent a lot of my life being ashamed. I have felt like I didn’t live up to the expectations of others because of my weight. When I talk to people about my struggles I can see condemnation in their eyes. It made me stop talking to people about what I struggle with. It made me want to lie. How was your day? Fine (Horrible, please love me). Did you go to church? Yes (Nope). How was your eating this week? Pretty good (Please don’t ask specifics!) God has shown me over the past year that this is not him. He loves me for me. He died for 350 pound Hannah. He loves me and has a plan for my future that I can’t even comprehend. He is breaking down my desire to cover up and keep stuff in the dark. He is light and he is truth. In Him and in his Truth, I am set free.<br />
2.) Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I can’t see the future. I don’t know what God has for me out there. About a month ago I was living in a pit that I hadn’t been in in years. Do you know what it is like to gain victory over something for several years and then for it to come back with an intensity that is like it never left? It is scary. I was terrified that I was where was back in college. The place where I didn’t want to live and where I had no hope. I was not losing weight, I had no teaching job, I had barely any hours at work, I still had no husband or children, I lived with my parents, and some other random stuff. I saw no light. I told no one this stuff and tried to act like everything was okay. I went back to keeping things in the dark. After crying and talking with my parents, I surrendered all of this junk to Christ and admitted that while I only see this, God sees where I am going. He knows why I am working at Lifeway and not at a school. He knows why I am still not married. He knows why my weight loss is weird and inconsistent. I trust Him. Just like I did an exercise because Meredith believed I could do it, I decided to walk my life because God believed I could do it and had a plan for it. He trusts me with the plan he has for me and I have to walk it. He is working for my good, not to destroy my dreams.<br />
3.) 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and of timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” Along with 1 John 4:8 “There is no fear in <strong>love</strong>. But <strong>perfect</strong> <strong>love</strong> drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment” God is driving out my fear with love. His love is giving me peace and peace is driving out the fear and anxiousness I feel. Part of what is showing me this is the love of my trainers. Katie, Amy, Meredith, and Christy want the best for me and my life. They have a love for me and a hope for me and that helps drive out my fear. So much more does God love me and his love is so consuming there is no room for fear. It tries to creep up on me but I am getting better at recognizing it and bringing it to God. He is freeing me from a prison I never knew existed.<br />
4.) Philippians 1:6 “And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again.” My journey is not over. I have a long way to go. 120 more pounds in the physical fitness journey. But in my spiritual journey I have a lot to work on. God is working in me right now. I feel a building in my spirit. I feel like he is doing a mighty work. I just have to continue to be yielded to him. I have to keep standing in him. As long as I stand in Him, he will continue to give me the strength to walk this road and when I can’t he will be there. This isn’t over and I don’t want it to be over. I want to be the woman God created me to be. I am working on it . After all, He isn’t finished with me yet.<br />
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Thanks for taking the time to read this ramble of a story. I write what is in my heart and this is what I have been thinking about over the past few days. The bottom lines are these: God is not finished with my transformation yet, and I am not just talking about my physical transformation. God uses the strangest things and the most eclectic use of people to get you where he wants you. God gives you the support you need when you need it. God died for me (and you) so that we could live in freedom, not bondage. Trust Him! Don’t know this God? Ask. He loves you and so do I!Hannah Woodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17479059084506135105noreply@blogger.com0